Birthing my two children changed me forever.
I am not one to use goddess clichés as I think that word has become a soulless commodity of the new age, but I have to say that at 30 years of age, while birthing my second child at home, I felt the full girth of 'the goddess' move through me like a force – completely bypassing my personality; I never knew true power before then. The word ‘empowered’ became an authentically lived experience rather than a concept or an idea.
It was sensual, a dance, alive, embodied, pure, raw, unbridled and virgin. It was a virgin birth. Because like virgin rainforest, it had not been interfered with. It was natural, wild and free. Unlike my first birth, there was no intervention.
It was internal, personal, universal.
And I was never the same again. So when it came to sex, I just couldn’t return – to what had been – I had been fundamentally changed. I simply could not go on automatic anymore – be a robot, and do the same mechanical thing over and over again.
I think women, men and society in general underestimates the powerful effect that pregnancy, birthing and mothering has on a woman. You are not the same after this incredible transition – simple as that.
Even if a woman loses a child or has to make the difficult decision to terminate a pregnancy, or has gone through years of trying to conceive, she is never the same.
Because at these times, she can do nothing but experience life through her body, not her mind.
When a woman has touched the deep waters of birthing, and opens to that primal sensate experience, her sensitivity to her body and to life increases. She cannot return from that event unchanged, no matter what the outcome. Birthing, in its most natural sense, without intervention, is lovemaking – deep, sensual, sexy and alive.
It’s like the experience drops her down, deeper; lowers her into the underbelly of life – into the physical and metaphorical womb of her being, in a way that she may never have experienced before.
I do believe, however, that a woman’s monthly bleed can do the same, if she chooses to bring awareness to it – many do not – I never really did, until it was almost too late.
Each month, if she can deflect the inclination to keep ‘doing’ and stop – listen with her inner ear, she can find her roots through her bleeding, a portal that offers a natural release and shedding.
It’s in this phase of shedding, where tears can fall and emotions can erupt that she can finally find her roots.
And when the roots grow deeper, the bows thicken- the base becomes more sturdy.
And so it is with pregnancy and moving into different phases of womanhood, such as peri menopause or menopause, whether a woman has reared children or not = her roots have grown deeper underneath her- they are more purposeful.
Birthing awakened in me something that I think all women have the potential to experience. It has put a memory into my cells – into my DNA – to follow the natural impulse of the body, to move rhythmically, without intention – to allow the unfolding from moment to moment without a plan of where to be. While birthing, you HAVE to be in the present moment - the body sensations demand you to be present with them. It’s the same in lovemaking – you cannot plan it or run into the next moment or 'you' are not there.
Because you see lovemaking is like birthing – it can be as transformative and as raw, as messy as birthing.
And sometimes it does not always turn out the way you want it – but if you can open to the flow, the natural force of nature will inform every moment.
That’s why to return to the bedroom and go on automatic to fast friction style, mechanical lovemaking, can feel meaningless and almost brutal to a woman once this sensitivity has been awakened. She starts to turn away as a natural consequence – it is not even conscious.
So it's good for men and women to realise that through the pure thrust of the physical processes their body endures as each decade approaches, women change. And I think this is where it is hard for men, because things may not be that different for him in this sense. But if he can listen to her, to slow to the deep rhythms that move her body, he will be infinitely rewarded.
So the call is for we as women, to follow and trust the inherent sensitivity and wisdom within and the pleasure that arises from that in the moment. Our soul sings when we connect with our deeper truth. And if we are in relationship, to invite man into this arena of sensitive awareness and for men to help their woman reawaken this sensitivity, if we want to revolutionize our relationships to one that invites love, truth and mutual fulfilment.
I'm so passionate about the journey of womanhood and how we move through each stage, and learning to honour and care for this precious vessel, our body - it has inspired a new retreat, accompanied by Australian Yoga and Mindfulness Teacher, Melissa Borich - Read more here - WOMANTIME, Ancient Wisdom for the Modern Day Woman on 16th - 19th August 2018
Or would you like to spend a week with your partner to transform your intimacy and relating? Come to The Making Love Retreat which is being held on 14th - 20th October 2018. Each retreat is held next to the peaceful surrounding of Kondalilla National Park, near Montville on the Sunshine Coast.
I'd love to hear how this resonated for you - feel free to share in the comments below and share on social media if it spoke to you.
(Please note: The reference to 'virgin birth' is in no way intended to diminish my child's father, who was present and of great support during the birthing process. Nor to offend anyone of religious background - It is simply a figure of speech.)
An abridged version of this article appears in the May 2017 edition of Holistic Bliss Magazine.
Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy my book Tantric Sex and Menopause - Practices for Spiritual and Sexual Renewal on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.
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