There’s something I’ve observed over my decades of life that is having me fascinated lately.
The couples I know that have had lasting and secure love over many years have all had something in common.
These couples would always be attentive to each other, always sit together or be in close contact at gatherings, always be cueing each other and watch out for each other.
I used to wonder if they were a little ‘co-dependant’, relied on each other too much, perhaps even a bit controlling.
I remember one couple vowing that they would never talk about the other or their relationship in a negative way, that any disturbances would be dealt with within the relationship (or with assisted professional help).
I always loved being around these couples, because there was no drama. You could feel their bubble – you were on the outside, but they were always so gracious in including others in their banter and conversation.
Well, this, according to the latest relationship neuroscience, is actually a thing. These couples are neurologically pairing their brains for safety and security. And creating a Couple Bubble, a protective space around themselves, each other and the relationship, a space where they could share and trust the other to listen to their vulnerabilities, insecurities, concerns or just enjoy daily general sharing of conversations. This term has been coined by Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love.
Whether conscious or not, these couples have an agreement, of tethering to each other, staying in contact, in a way, that helps each other feel more secure and safe.
This way, they can tackle their lives with more resilience and more bravery, more confidence knowing that each other had their backs. No matter what childhood background they had, the relationship would provide, and sometimes heal, an insecure childhood or upbringing.
This is called secure functioning. On the other hand, insecure functioning sets up a biological threat response in each other, where couples begin to anticipate all things the other does will hurt.
Generally, these couples are not so skilled at repairing hurt so they accrue a sense of injustice and unfairness because there are no resources for the relationship – it feels too dangerous.
A good place to start is to decide to agree on creating your relationship as the first go-to place, the place where you can rest with each other and support each other, repair quickly if hurts arise, as they will, and reassure each other along the way. This has a profound effect on the nervous system and creates a solid foundation for each other’s lives and families.
As I read more of Stan Tatkin's book and learnt more during the recent Attachment theory of Relationships course I attended at the end of 2019, I felt constantly affirmed and was celebrating how much The Making Love Retreat and what I teach in my one on one couple mentoring, is already creating secure loving for couples. How the suggestions that Stan Tatkin makes are already aligned with the whole course, beginning with creating presence.
So I am super excited to be sharing this amazing retreat with you once again this year. If there was ever an event that could steer the ship of your relationship in the right direction, The Making Love Retreat would be one.
I love opening up a 30 minute time slot to couples that are interested. Click here to make a time for us to chat.
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